On the road again; from fear to freedom

Okay, I didn't fall off the face of the earth.  But I did lose my way, somewhat.   Last spring I jumped into this blog and the idea of sharing my creative journey publicly , full throttle and brimming with enthusiasm, then scared the shit out of myself!  So now I'm in fear mode.  You know the 3 F's...fight, flight or freeze?  Well, I freeze.   A sweet friend recently wrote to me regarding our discussion on my 'dropping the blog ball', and I'd like to share an excerpt with you, 

          "It IS kind of scary, that´s all.  I´m the sort of person who starts something up and dives straight in and does the full thing and then steps back, in fear, and thinks “oh my gosh, what have I done?”  Then I have to live up to the Didi that I created." - Didi Arias

It's that last line that gets me..."I have to live up to the me that I've created."  Yes, I do.  Live up to and grow upwards from.  And I won't do that standing still like a deer in the headlights.  I'm beginning to understand that some of our greatest moments of growth and accomplishment come from moving through the fear we feel, doing it anyway.  And move through we must, because there is no way around. 

Ellen Johnson Sirleaf said, "If your dreams do not scare you, they are not big enough." Okay, then I'm on the right track.  I have a decision to make (actually, I have quite a few decisions to make) regarding, well, everything.  Do I want to face all my fears head on and allow my creative spark to contribute to my financial abundance once again, and if so, what does that look like now?  Can I even believe in myself enough to publicly blog my journey from fear to freedom?  And why would I do that?  The answer to that, at least, is clear: because there may be one other creative soul out there who might read my ramblings and realize they are not alone, that there are others struggling with fears of fraudulence and failure, of 'not enoughness' and 'not good enough'.  Perhaps if I hold my light high enough it might shine brightly so as to spark others, which in turn will burn me brighter.  And isn't that what we're all about? Helping each other? 

So, yes.  I can believe in myself.  Most of the time.  And I have some lovely friends who believe in me when I can't. They hold that space for me until I'm able to again.  (See, there's that 'helping others' theme).  Through this blog I'll share it all, the good as well as the not-so-good, and also how I work my way through it.  Life seems to be like that, as does art...full and rich and inspired, then waning to small, quiet and slow.  Waves of emotion and experiences, joyous and sorrowful and joyous.  We have to live it all so I might well document it all.  Besides, I personally appreciate when someone can openly admit to being vulnerable, especially those I admire.  Gives me permission to be cracked and fragile at times too.